Selfish

I have been doing some soul searching for a few weeks, not of my own will but it has been forced upon me by my children. Sometimes being a mother will push you to a point where you don't recognize yourself and therefore need to start over in some way. Well this is where I am.  At 3 AM when I have been forced from my peaceful dreams by a screaming child for the third time in 4 hours I realize how selfish I truly am. You may be thinking "duh, you are exhausted, it’s normal to be selfish for sleep". But I started realizing that it is more than just my inner self talk in the middle of the night.  My selfish need to do as I please has invaded my entire day.  And what is more I have begun to blame every person in my life for what I am missing out on.  This has resulted in a house full of angry children, lashing out on each other and a husband who (may not admit it) is coming to the end of his rope.  What makes me selfish you may ask.  It's the little things.  Instead of thinking "how can I show my child love and compassion in this situation” I scream and think to myself of how he is purposely acting up because he wants to do me harm in some way.  Instead of asking myself "what does my daughter need right now, and how can I love her though this difficult time" (even if it is 2am) I think about how bratty she is and how much I resent my position as mom in that moment.  The kids aren’t acting up to punish me in some way. They are growing and learning.  Sometimes they are scared, or hurt in a way that I can’t understand, so how dare I act as if they are an inconvenience on my life at that or any moment. 

 This got me thinking about the things I do on a daily basis.  Is it really helping anyone?  Is my spotless kitchen really helping my children to be happier or feel more loved in any way? No, then why do I hold that higher than their need to have me playing with them, or reading to them?  How dare I shoo them away as they are crying at my feet for attention just so that I can wash dishes.  And why do I agonize over the things I don’t have time to do while I am missing the things that I do have time for.  Like coloring with my 2 year old and tumbling with my 1 year old and doing weird science projects with my 8 year old.  No more I say! God has gifted me with three beautiful children, a caring Husband and a home to raise them in, and I take it all for granted. 

My outlet has been decidedly this blog, but I feel I have been using it in the wrong ways. Are my posts enriching anyone’s lives or is it some selfish way I for me to show-off?  A recipe for play dough is fun but it is not helping anyone.  I have noticed recently that the women around me have been all talking about the same things; their struggles in finding a way to spend more time with their children.  I have been focusing on this for over a year now so I feel I might have some experiences or insight I can share with other moms. God has given me the desire to write, so why not use this gift to enrich the lives of others.  I pray that my words can be read by even one person and make her feel as if she is not alone in her struggles and celebrations because as much as I would like to say this is an easy life, it is not.  Rewarding, Yes, but easy, No.

Happy Creating